I’d never been a morning person, but sunrises always made me feel melancholic for… for something I didn’t know what it was, for something that had always been missing in this hole inside my chest.

   Sunrises called me often and I would wake up in the middle of the worst nightmares where I lost everything, covered in sweat and tears, horrified like a little kid, a weird thing. I never had nightmares as a war orphan, or as a war veteran, not even as a widower. I only had nightmares when the void in my soul needed some release and only the sunrise soothed that ache.

​

   Not every sunrise was tortuous, some were blissful, like this one. Today I’d woken up with a smile in my face, a musical laughter in my ears, a sweet taste in my lips… and an obscene erection. Days like this one were good days, and even though they only happened like once a year, they filled me with happiness. The emptiness in my chest didn’t weight so heavy and I could breathe again.

​

   That’s how I felt while I drank my morning latte, sitting alone on the back porch swing, still in my sweats because I didn’t need to be in the office for a while, but I couldn’t go back to sleep. Today was a special day. Today she—

​

   “Papa!” My ten-year-old daughter Hana said, leaning on the doorway to the house. “I thought you were sleeping.” She walked outside in her pink pajamas, rubbing her sleepy eyes. It was too early for her. School didn’t start for another two hours, yet here she was. “I didn’t want you to oversleep. You can’t be late for your meeting with your friend Kazuki,” she said and my chest tightened, the coffee mug in my hand shuddered and I sighed, almost spilling it.

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   “Don’t worry, Hana. I’m gonna go get ready now,” I assured her, my eyes on the sun as it rose in the most beautiful morning I’ve seen in years. I brought my fingers to my lips and took a deep breath and they smelled like… impossible. I hadn’t touched a woman in years.

​

   I shook my head and my cheeks burned, taking a long sip of my dark, milky brew, which I didn’t need. I’d slept better than ever last night, but I always had coffee. It was one of those rituals I didn’t remember where I picked them from anymore, but I just honored them daily, like drinking wine in this same porch some nights while I stared at the moon, wishing for another good sunrise.

​

   “Do you like this lady, papa?” Hana asked and I spat my coffee. "What kind of question is that? Your mom—”

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   "Mom would be happy, papa. It's been almost three years", Hana said before I could justify myself. I was so embarrassed and she was getting way too cheeky with her questions.

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   "Kazuki’s just my friend. She’s my oldest friend..." I said, as my sight drifted away to the sun once more, and my heart rumbled again in anticipation...

 

   What's happening to me?